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2005年7月 July 27thWhispered words screaming in my ears as I sleep. Disturbing the slumber of fairies dancing perhaps the silver I needed yes, I committed murder but what else could I do? Punk's never been pretty, it would never allow me to… Now my face has puffed up eyes possessed by toxic tears scorching soggy cheeks I've never felt so pretty prettier than in the dress with black leather gloves embracing my wary hands holding the microphone of truth I wish you knew me I'll accept the daggers graciously because I have to I'll accept the daggers graciously because I want to bleed respectfully I ask you to know defiantly I am not ready to go my angels kissed your forehead tonight did you feel them? They want you to know me and so do I.
-- Inspired by the words of Jon and Andrew Farris Tonight after my performance of "Rock the Casbah" 2005年7月 July 23rdWow! I am so happy with the clinic. It was extremely useful. I am amazed that during “People Are Strange” you couldn’t see my face at all!!! When Tim commented that I should not hide my face my thought was “ I’m not here to model-I’m here to rock” but now I completely understand what he meant. I wore a bandana for “ I Hate Myself For Loving You” because Tim made that comment but honestly, had he not, I would’ve worn my hair down. I like having the messy rock-n-roll hair but I now understand how it can take away from my performance. I like to sing and speak through my eyes and they weren’t seen. I’ll have to find a way to show my eyes without always having my hair back. Also, I think Garry made a great point about me standing more upright when I perform and not always crouched down. I am extremely thankful for their feedback and I can’t wait for our next performance – it's as if a light just went on inside of me. God – it feels good!!!! I got my first song choice for the previous two performances, so I knew that going into this song selection I would most likely have to take the back seat and not get my first choice. Also, after the clinic, I felt confident and excited to just let fate do its magic. I was hoping to do a more laid back melodic song this time to showcase the gentler side of my vocals, which is why I wanted “Everybody Hurts”. That was Ty’s first choice as well. Ty was specifically told that he needed to change things up, whereas I simply wanted to. Since INXS told him that, and based on the fact that I was ready to take the “back seat”, not to mention that I adore Ty and know he’ll sing “Everybody Hurts” beautifully, I let it go. I wound up with my 5th choice, “Rock the Casbah.” I’ve always loved the song but felt that it wouldn’t showcase the gentler side of my vocals – plus it’s a classic that should not be rearranged. Without giving anything away, let’s just say I am very happy that I got that song. Just like my roomie MiG is so good at doing, I will make this song work for me and more importantly for you!! 2005年7月 July 21stI hope that anger is not the main factor as to why right now I am having a hard time with JD. I sincerely hope I can see the light in this situation as well and not let my personal sorrow interfere with logic. JD has many beautiful traits. I hope he chooses to show them more often.
Ok, listen like thieves and let’s see how many INXS song titles you recognize in this journal entry: I’ve had a pretty emotional past few days. I hate when the devil inside takes over. It’s the one thing that drives me mad. It makes me want to disappear into my own little world, battle the original sin, and then come out swinging and ready to kick everyone in the head with love. We all need a new sensation every now and then. This time an angel slept by my side and whispered sweetly in my ear “baby girl- here is what you need to always remember: don’t lose your head. Don’t’ change you know you are a beautiful girl! All of you, every single person is a gift and the universe needs you tonight to stay strong. I wake up with a love hangover because my angel got me elegantly wasted. I took a look around me and thanked God that I was part of the strongest party. Yesterday’s elimination show was pretty heavy for us. The big blow was Neal leaving us. I hope you all know how amazing he is, what a genuine and beautiful soul he has and how sorely missed he is already. Neal is one of those rare people with an uncanny ability to make you smile without even trying. I have no doubt that life will bless him simply because he deserves it and I want to always believe that good guys don’t finish last. The world has not seen the last of him-if that’s what he chooses. We love you Neal! Can’t wait to see you shine!! 2005年7月 July 19thI am finding myself in unfamiliar territory tonight. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Tonight was the night that J.D. made his infamous comment about how all of us are just learning the INXS songs while he already knows them. My whole life I have seen the light in a situation and focused on people’s positive attributes as opposed to their weaknesses or darkness. I am finding it hard to do that right now and it bothers me. I'm doing some self-reflection as to why I am at my whits end with J.D. There is so much love and positivity amongst all of us and it seems that he continuously ruins that. Of course, I feel for him and I don't think he is intentionally trying to be an ass but I'm bothered that every time he gets in one of his moods, the beauty in this house is disrupted. If I dig deep and am completely honest, it's possible that my low tolerance has to do, ironically, with my fathers' death. My father was an honest and beautiful man who continuously got the short end of the stick because of his sympathetic nature. My father died w/o knowing just how loved and respected he was and that drives me crazy. In fact, it angers me. I sincerely hope that I can see the light in this situation as well and not let my personal sorrows interfere with logic. J.D. has many beautiful traits. I pray he figures it out sooner rather than later. By the way- Jordis, Tara and Heather would like you to know that they are drunk-Ahem- I'm sorry they are tipsy while writing their journal entry right now and would like me to extend to you their apologies. Now, if you'll excuse me - I'm about to join them. 2005年7月 July 15thI had so much fun performing "People Are Strange". It’s such a fantastic song to play around with. When I found out I was doing the song I was immediately had the image of a Rock-n-Roll circus - so my outfit was in the vein of 'vixen ring master'. That's what I was going for and I hope it came across that way. I really wanted the guy that I gave the hat to during the performance to keep it. But he wasn't able to for various reasons out of my control. If he is reading this - I just want him to know that I really wanted him to have it and I'm sorry it got taken away. 10:00 pm - Let me set the scenario for you: MiG sits with his notebook, most likely writing about his beautiful wife, Jordis lays down nearby - most likely thinking about how much she misses her man; Heather and Suzie jamming silently with a "I am woman hear me roar" acoustic bluesy Nashville sound; J.D. and Brandon politicking about what this all means; Ty and Tara cuddled up nearby soaking it all in; Marty and Neal having a conversation at a distance. Damn, I'd like to be a fly on the wall! And me? Smiling at all the beauty around me. How beautiful you all are!!! I love you all. But something inside of me longs for some true love. The kind that makes you wakes up every morning to thank God that you're alive. I'd really like that. I would love to have a beautiful man stroke my hair and tickle my back as I gently and peacefully fall asleep. I'm feeling lonely tonight. Tomorrow's a new day…. July 14thI've always believed that a good artist is like a good lover - you can't be selfish. The audience/fans are your kings and queens and serving them is what should get you off. I'm not down with artistic masturbation.
Last night, for my 'dirty thirty' birthday, all my friends (the rockers) showed me just how unselfish they are. What they did for me was so genuine and beautiful I almost started to cry - but dammit, I cried enough on TV already! Haha! Besides not being with my mother and not having my father be able to physically wish me a happy birthday, I'd say turning 30 has been as close to perfect as it could be.
Being around talented artists who are all so full of love is the best birthday gift I could ask for. I know my father was with me all day and I was happy I was able to talk to my mom who is my rock. She is a strong woman and I admire her tremendously. If there is one thing I learned from my birthday is this: No matter how dark things may seem, there is always light - and the more attention you pay to that light - the brighter it gets. 2005年7月 Rock Star:INXSA year ago I fantastically managed to over-analyze everything in my life. You know the typical self-indulgent artistic questions like "Am I crazy?; Where is my life going?; Why didn't I get my break yet?; Why is music so important to me?" blah, blah, blah. Sometimes we can love something so much that we unknowingly suffocate it and push it away. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired so I cried out for help and threw my hands up in a surrender of sorts asking for signs to guide me, no matter how obscure or obvious they may be. Long story short: those signs led me to LA. I moved out here only 5 months ago and everything has fallen into place. I surrendered to the magic of life instead of trying to control it and figure it out. Sometimes, we don't need to know why the rose blooms, we just need to smell it, appreciate it and move on our merry little way. I am part of that school of artists that wants to bring light and hope with music. I have NO idea what the next few months will bring and you know what? I like it that way. All I know is I am 200% ready for all of it and I welcome it with open arms- the good, the bad, the ugly and the insatiable. I will wear my heart on my sleeve and show you all the sides of me, no matter how close the sharks may swim. I believe true rock stars know when to be vulnerable and inspire and also know when to shut the hell up and have a good time. With that being said, these next few months will be a motley mix of gut-wrenching moments induced by pure love and drive along with scooby-doo moments induced by the power of the inner geek.
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